When someone you care about is going through a tough time, it can be genuinely hard to know what kind of support they want or need in the moment.
Do they want space or company? Are they overwhelmed by messages, or quietly feeling forgotten?
There’s no perfect answer, and that uncertainty can make even the most caring people hesitate. We get it. It’s confusing.
The good news is that you don’t have to get it exactly right. What matters most is staying connected and responsive.
Here’s what helps:
1. Don’t assume.
Tough times change people’s capacity. Messages that would normally feel comforting can feel overwhelming. Silence or slow replies aren’t rejection. They’re a sign someone is stretched, tired, or managing a lot internally.
This isn’t a normal time for them. Show care anyway. Keep offering help. Keep including them, gently and without expectation. Take your cues from their energy, not from what you think should be happening.
2. Ask with clarity and kindness.
Clear, low pressure questions reduce the emotional load for someone who’s already exhausted. They don’t have to guess what you want or worry about disappointing you. Try:
“I want to be the best possible support for you. Do you feel like talking today, or not?”
“When I come to clean the bathroom later, would you like to chat, or should I quietly take care of the task?”
“Totally okay if you don’t feel like talking. Just letting you know I’m still here.”
These kinds of questions give people choice, control, and relief, without forcing them to explain themselves.
3. Match your support to your relationship.
Not every relationship carries the same kind of support, and that’s okay.
A close friend or family member might offer emotional support or deeper conversation. A neighbour or colleague might be better placed to offer practical help like meals, errands, or transport.
You don’t have to offer everything. Just offer what fits.
4. Let the app guide you.
Task lists are helpful clues. If the task is “walk the dog” or “mow the lawn,” they likely need practical help. If it’s “sit with me during chemo” or “keep me company,” they’re asking for presence.
Trust what’s been asked for. You’re not expected to read minds.
5. Be willing to adjust.
Needs change, sometimes day to day or even hour to hour. What feels supportive today might feel like too much tomorrow.
Keep checking in. Stay flexible. Be kind to yourself if you don’t always get it right. Showing up, paying attention, and being willing to adapt.
That’s what real support looks like. 💚
