When someone is going through a tough time, support can feel complicated. You want to help, but you don’t want to overwhelm them, take over, or accidentally make things harder. What feels supportive to one person can feel frustrating or disempowering to another.
That’s because support isn’t one size fits all. Some people want company and shared effort. Others need things taken off their plate so they can rest or focus on getting through the day. And what someone wants can change from task to task, or day to day.
Here’s what helps:
Before you jump in, ask: “Would you like me to do this with you, or would it help more if I just take it off your plate?”
Doing it with someone might look like preparing a meal side by side, gardening together, going with them to pick up a prescription, accompanying them while they run errands, or sitting in on an appointment. This approach supports independence while also offering connection.
Doing it for someone might look like dropping off a week’s worth of freezer meals, mowing the lawn while they rest, picking up groceries, or handling admin so they don’t’t have to. This approach reduces load and creates breathing space.
“Asking with you or for you” is a simple way to respect autonomy, protect independence, and still provide meaningful care. 💜
