The Well Meaning Things That Often Hurt the Most

Most people don’t set out to say something hurtful to a person affected by cancer.

In fact, many of the comments that patients, survivors and carers find most difficult come from people who genuinely care and are trying their best to help.

The challenge is that cancer makes many of us uncomfortable. We don’t like seeing people we care about in pain, facing uncertainty, or dealing with situations we can’t fix. As a result, we often reach for reassurance, positivity or advice in an attempt to make things feel better.

What many supporters don’t realise is that difficult emotions don’t need to be removed in order for someone to feel supported. Sometimes they simply need to be acknowledged.

Why this can be harder than it looks

Many patients describe hearing comments such as “You’ll be fine”, “Stay positive” or “At least they caught it early.” These statements are almost always well intentioned, but they can leave people feeling as though their fears, grief or uncertainty have been brushed aside.

When someone shares a worry about treatment, a scan result or the future, they are often looking for understanding rather than reassurance. They want to know that their feelings make sense and that they don’t have to hide them.

Family and friends are often surprised to learn that the most meaningful conversations are rarely the ones that contain profound wisdom. More often, they involve someone listening without interrupting, acknowledging that the situation is hard, and staying present rather than rushing to change the subject.

People remember how supported they felt far more than they remember the exact words that were spoken.

How Family and Friends Can Help

• Listen instead of offering advice.
• Acknowledge difficult emotions.
• Allow uncertainty to exist.
• Focus on understanding rather than reassuring.
• Ask questions that invite conversation.
• Stay present when things feel uncomfortable.

Things to Avoid

• “Stay positive.”
• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “At least…”
• Comparing their experience to someone else’s.
• Looking for a silver lining too quickly.