Don’t let awkwardness keep you away  

When someone we know is grieving, it can be hard to know what to say. We might feel awkward, or unsure, and those perfectly normal feelings can cause us to hold back instead of lean in. 

But the person grieving needs us to lean in. 

Here’s what we know: in almost every case, showing up imperfectly is better than not showing up at all. 

So, the next time you feel the awkwardness and want to retreat, do these things instead. 

Words to say: 

• “I’ve been thinking about you.” 
• “I don’t know what to say, but I didn’t want to say nothing.” 
• “You don’t have to respond to this. I just wanted you to know I’m here.” 
• “I’d love to hear about them if you ever want to talk.” 
• “I’m so sorry. I’m here.” 

Words to avoid: 

• “Everything happens for a reason” 
• “They’re in a better place” 
• “At least…” 
• “I know how you feel” 
• “You’ll get through this” or “You’re so strong” 
• “Let me know if you need anything” 

What actually helps 

• Showing up, even when you don’t know what to say. “I don’t know what to say but I’m here” is enough. 
• Saying their person’s name 
• Checking in weeks and months later, not just in the immediate aftermath 

Think about what their person used to do 

This one takes a little thought, but it matters. The person who has died often left behind a gap in the practical running of daily life, not just an emotional one. Think about what they used to take care of and offer to help fill that gap. 

• Did they mow the lawn? Offer to take that on. 
• Were they the one teaching the teenager to drive? Offer to take them out for their hours. 
• Did they handle the finances or the bills? Offer to sit with your person and help them work through it. 
• Were they the one who did school pickup, cooked on weeknights, walked the dog every morning? Can you help with that practicality? 

When someone in your community is dealing with grief, lean in.