I don’t know enough about their condition and I’m afraid to ask  

If someone in your crew has been diagnosed with a serious illness and you’ve gone a little quiet, you’re not alone. A lot of people do. Not because they don’t care, but because they’re afraid of saying the wrong thing, asking something insensitive, or making it worse. 

So, they say nothing. And the person who’s sick feels invisible. 

Here’s the thing: not knowing is not a reason to disappear. It’s a reason to learn. 

Start with some research 

You don’t need to become a medical expert. But a basic understanding of what your person is living with will change everything about how you show up for them. 

• Start with a Google search of their condition 

• Look for peak bodies, the national foundations and associations dedicated to that illness. They exist for exactly this reason, and their resources are reliable, accessible and written for people like me and you. Think Heart Foundation, Stroke Foundation, Kidney Health Australia and so on. 

• Read enough to understand the basics: what it affects, how it’s treated, what day to day life looks like 

This takes twenty minutes and it means your person doesn’t have to spend their limited energy educating you from scratch. 

Then ask, thoughtfully 

Once you have some basic understanding, it’s okay to ask. In fact, it’s more than okay. Most people living with serious illness would far rather you asked than avoided them entirely. 

Some ways to open that conversation: 

• “I’ve been reading a little about your condition. Is it okay if I ask you some questions?” 
• “I want to understand what you’re going through better. What do you most want people to know?” 
• “I don’t always know the right thing to say, but I’m here and I want to show up well for you.” 

And then listen. Really listen. Without jumping to fix, compare or reassure. 

What to do with what they tell you 

Use it. Remember it. Show up accordingly. 

If they tell you Tuesdays are hard because of medication side effects, check in on Tuesdays. If they tell you they can’t manage big social situations right now, think of ways to keep them connected. If they tell you they’re having a good stretch, celebrate it without assuming the hard part is over. 

The most important thing 

Your person is still your person. Their diagnosis is not their new personality. They still want to laugh, complain about normal things, talk about something other than their health, and be treated like the full human being they are. 

Show up for the person. Learn about the condition. Don’t confuse the two. 

And lastly remember this: you don’t have to be perfect or get it ‘right’. You just have to keep showing up.